Press Release

In conjunction with Interpol, the CIA, MI5, and the POOT, the United Nationalities is stepping up efforts to capture operatives of the international crime syndicate calling itself the Global Limited Undertaking to Eliminate Nitrates (G.L.U.T.E.N.).

G.L.U.T.E.N. is extremely dangerous to the stability of nations and their citizens. Operatives of G.L.U.T.E.N. have infiltrated systems throughout the world in attempts to subvert essential programs involving consumption of goods, digestion of information, and elimination of wasteful processes. Furthermore, the tasteless tactics employed by G.L.U.T.E.N. are not only pressuring government bodies but also crippling civilian efforts to reduce harmful gasses.

We must rid the world of all traces of W.H.E.A.T. wherever possible. W.H.E.A.T., also known as Worldwide Hostile Evil and Trickery, cannot peacefully coexist with our desired way of life. As the chief mechanism of deployment for G.L.U.T.E.N., the presence of W.H.E.A.T. only serves to undermine global harmony.

The United Nationalities calls upon all member nations and their civilians to join the efforts to secure a W.H.E.A.T.-free and G.L.U.T.E.N.-free world.

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Press Release

Upon recommendation from its F.E.T.C.H. committee, the United Nationalities is pleased to announce its support for International Take Your Dog to Work Day. This important day of observance celebrates the vital relationship between humankind, the canine world, and successful commerce.

All governmental and civilian employers should be prepared to mark International (or Global) Take Your Dog (or Canine Companion or Boss Puppy) to Work (or Stay-at-Home Employment) Day (or Night/Graveyard Shift), also known as IGTYDCCTWDEGS (or "WOOF" in Caninglish). The occasion should include ample and exceptional refreshment, outdoor activities, and social interaction or engagement ("SNIFF"). In light of the recent quadruple-blind study findings in the report "Fido Fixes Farming and Rufus Restores Retail," workplaces worldwide would do well to welcome woofers weekly.

Questions regarding the United Nationalities' expectations for this occasion or requests for implementation ideas should be addressed to the Head D.O.G. Please contact: Wanda Olive O'Toole-Finch Department of Oversight and Governance Sub-Committee on F.E.T.C.H.

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